Trophies theft suspected

Federal Police have been called into Cricket Australia’s Jolimont St Headquarters as a number of prized and valuable trophies have gone missing.

All that's left in CA's trophy cabinet

“Mate, some thieving bastard has nicked most of our trophies.” seethed Chief Executive James Sutherland. “Hadn’t noticed ’til the other day as this big giant crystal vase that we get for smacking the Poms in one-dayers has gone walkabout. Had a closer look and fuck me, the Ashes aren’t there either.”

Sutherland had also reported the World Twenty20 Championship trophy as missing, until Chief Statistician Count Al Balls pointed out Australia had in fact never won that tournament. “My mistake,” said Sutherand. “Punter told me we win everything so I just assumed it had been stolen as well.”

Police had few leads although suspect a cartel of Indian dairy owners may be behind the heist. “They were burning effigies of John Howard in the streets of Essendon the other day,” observed Inspector Hans Cuff. “Anti-Australian sentiment is running pretty high at the moment in the Indian community.”

Jones eyes more records

Although his team has returned home empty-handed from their visit, Welsh flyhalf Stephen Jones believes on a personal note he has achieved everything he set out to and is looking forward to a further date with the All Blacks in November at Cardiff.

“It was important I got onto the field in the second test,” he explained. “It allowed me to extend my record for most matches against the All Blacks without winning (13), and kicking a conversion was a bonus.”

Mortlock (84 pts v AB's) is next on Jones' hit-list (83 pts)

In an interview that would have even trainspotters glancing sideways, Jones rattled off a list of things he wants to achieve before he retires. The jewel in the crown is David Campese’s record of 18 losses to the Men in Black, although he admitted it may be a bridge too far. “I’m 32 and the next Lions tour is not until 2017 – I don’t think I’ll be around for the next 6 times the boyos get their bottoms spanked.”

The loss in the weekend allowed Jones to claim the record for most losses by a Welshman ever (55), and he has the world record (67) in his sights. “It’s proving hard to catch up to the Italians ahead of me, but who knows? There are some points-scoring feats as well on the agenda, but they’re not so important.”

Caffeine overdose blamed for crash

Red Bull driver Mark Webber has pointed to an excess culture of drinking before racing as the cause of his spectacular crash at the European Formula 1 Grand Prix in Valencia this morning (NZT).

“Mate, me and Sebs chugged down at least a dozen shots before we got strapped in.” Webber explained. “Sebs is such a crack up, he said to me as we went out he was so pumped he could end up flying, you know, like the commercials. And look what happened!”

Although a little disappointed at failing to finish, Webber enjoyed his brief time in the stratosphere on the mind-altering substance. “It certainly was a different buzz compared to, say, Le Mans in ’99″ (where Webber earned the Moto-Gymnast of the Year award for his triple somersault from a pike position).

 Team Principal Christian Horner suggested more exciting developments were in the wings. “I’ll have a chat with the aerodynamical team, and we might do some testing on a half-pipe somewhere, but our car has got potential to get some major hang-time which will help deliver our sponsor’s message.” he said.

Socceroos failure causes coup

The new PM chooses Australia's new sporting colours

We can exclusively reveal that the real reason behind yesterday’s sensational change in Australia’s leadership was the performance of the Socceroos at the FIFA World Cup. The effeminate-looking Kevin Rudd has been dumped and replaced with the masculine features of feminist Julia Gillard as Australia’s Prime Minister.

“We’ve been worried about the decline in Australia’s masculinity for a long time,” explained Andy Johns, a spokesperson spokesman for Men Against Namby-pamby Ladyboys (MANLY). “We’re the last bastion of male chauvinism and if we don’t so something drastic we’ll join the rest of the world as PC pandering pooftahs.”

The last straw for MANLY was seeing their sissy representatives failing in South Efrika. “Sending them was bad enough,” said Johns. “We don’t want the world knowing we have these kind of blokes in our country. But having sent them, the least they could do was uphold Australia’s proud sporting heritage and knock a few teeth out in the process.”

MANLY is encouraged that PM Gillard has already banned the Ballerinaroos (Men’s Netball) from attending their World Championships in 3 months time, although will be watching her performance closely. “It is a little worry her bloke’s a hairdresser,” Johns noted.

Jinxed

The writing was on the wall well before kickoff according to All Whites coach Ricki Herbert, as he picked over the carcass of his side’s exit from the FIFA World Cup. ” As soon as I heard we had to wear the All Blacks uniform I knew we were in trouble,” he explained. “Those jokers are the biggest chokers in a World Cup of any sport and that jersey just seems to have a negative aura that unfortunately seemed to affect my players.”

Herbert also believes a video produced by Labour MP’s did not help in the karma stakes. “Quite frankly, it was pretty embarrassing,” he said. “We all know as soon as politicians get involved in anything a giant cock-up is on the cards and regrettably that is what transpired. As for that plonker Mallard trying to introduce a public holiday if we won … geez, chickens, counting, hatched???”

Captain Ryan Nelsen is still “gutted” over the side not qualifying for the final 16. “That curry Suzie gave me a couple of days ago has me leaking runs like a Black Cap bowler in a 20/20 game,” he said, before adding as he hurried to the WC: ”It’ll take me a while to get over this, for sure.”

Early candidate for Best Director and Best Original Screenplay at the Oscars

Bad Light Stops Play

A visibly shattered John Isner walked off the grass to a standing ovation after a fantastic rearguard action with partner Nick Mahut prevented a First Rounders victory at Wimbledon Common today.

Please, can we just call it a draw?

Isner and Mahut are both 59 not out after a 10-hour stay, the longest last-wicket stand in history, and will be back tomorrow to see if they can extend the match into a fourth day. Although looking like he had not much left in the tank, Isner is adamant he won’t give up. “These fuckers thought they could wrap this up in two days,” said Isner. “Nick and I are determined to prove them wrong.”

Their efforts are even more commendable given the groundsman doctored the pitch in a effort to produce a quick result. The strip has a decidely green tinge to it and with the uneven bounce has meant both Isner and Mahut have had trouble putting bat onto ball.

The First Rounders are desperate to wrap this up as their scheduled match with the Second Round was supposed to have commenced yesterday. “We’re fairly confident we’ll wrap this up quickly tomorrow,” said their captain Tad Board. “We’ll have a quiet word with the ump as even he had trouble staying awake with proceedings.”

Irish send condolences

Ireland’s Prime Minister Brian Cowen has sent his French counterpart Francois Fillon a note of sympathy, following the exit of Les Bleus from the FIFA World Cup. “In this dark hour, we offer the hand of friendship”, the note said in part.

However, an office cleaner found an earlier draft crumpled up in a rubbish bin expressing a seemingly different sentiment: “Good job and I hope you choke on your frog legs, you dirty f******* cheating c****.” Cowen denied any knowledge of such a draft, adding if it did indeed exist it must have been written by a mischevious staffer.

NZRU employee fails breath-test

An NZRU employee was refused entry to work today after failing a breath-test at the Union’s Head Office. At NZRU’s request, Police had set up checkpoints on all doors leading into the building at 1 Hinemoa Street.

Privately some staff expressed their anger at what they saw as an intrusion on their civil rights,  but CEO Steve Tew was unrepentant. “There’s a culture in here that you can go and get absolutely tanked then turn up to work the next morning and cause absolute mayhem,” he said. “I’m sick of staff kicking around rugby balls and throwing paperweights into mock lineouts as some of us try and get some bloody work done.”

Tew would not name the employee caught, but unconfirmed reports are that Community Rugby Manager Buck Anderson was out on the turps until the wee small hours of the morning. Calls to his cellphone were not answered.

In unrelated news, NZRU are launching an internal inquiry into the continued success of the NZ Juniors, who have just won their third successive world cup in outstanding fashion. The Juniors beat Australia 62-17 in the final, having accounted for South Efrika 36-7 in the semis. ”We need to get to the bottom of this,” Tew said. “We need to understand why our juniors can win without getting out of second gear while our seniors fuck up time and time again.”

Wimbledon Postponed

After just one day, the All England Lawn Tennis Club has been forced to postpone the remainder of Wimbledon by three weeks. For once the weather is not to blame, as officials admitted their blunder in not moving the tournament from its clash with the FIFA World Cup.

Schiavone takes her anger out over Azzurri's performance on a poor, defenceless tennis ball

AELTC spokesperson Johnny Perkins explained media coverage of the opening day had been so poor that sponsors were demanding partial refunds. “Not only that, European players have been significantly affected by the poor performance of their teams in South Efrika and it would be unfair for them to compete with such a pyschological disadvantage.” Roger Federer only just overcame South American Alejandro Falla while surprise French Open champion Francesca Schiavone lost her first-round match to a Russian opponent who has no such distraction.

Additionally, players have been demanding scheduling that did not clash with matches being played at the World Cup (“impossible” said Perkins) and are incensed there are no TV sets in the dressing room. Federer was clearly upset at having to play at the same time the Swiss were battling the Chileans while it was rumoured Rafael Nadal had not even bothered to turn up, fearing a royal ribbing from the Fed Express over Spain’s loss to the Schweizer Nati last week.

Attempts to gauge local reaction to these events failed – no Kiwi tennis player has been seen at Wimbledon since 1983 while phone calls to Tennis NZ went unanswered as usual.

Middle Earth rejoices – White is the new Black

Sitting at the bottom of the world hardly recognised by anybody (except when a historical trilogy was released for world cinema audiences), Middle Earth is filled with inhabitants who crave recognition and acceptance from global society. More often than not it comes through the efforts on the sporting field and today that oft-forgotten part of the world stand tall with a national erection that would make even John Holmes envious.

A bunch of halflings have defeated the Army of Azzurri and sent them packing to the Cracks of Doom (OK, OK, the halflings didn’t win but they didn’t lose either). Led ably by Aragorn at the back, the Gandalf-coached All Whites held the World Champions to a draw thanks to a seventh-age strike by Frodo and a defensive stand not seen since the siege of Minas Tirith.

My preciousssssss. Blatter does his best Gollum impersonation for Middle Earth journalists.

It sparked a day of surreal events that even Tolkien, if he were alive, would not have the paper to document. As the final whistle blew, Auckland was put on a tsunami alert thanks to an orgasmic outpouring of joy from Martin Devlin in the TVNZ studios. Elves and dwarves awoke from their Dark Years to see Merry Pippin dancing in the streets decidedly legolas from drunken celebration.

Other sporting codes were quick to recognise this immortal feat. Middle Earth (M.E.) Badminton players started a trend by now calling themselves the White Cocks, M.E. weightlifters did not need a second invitation to change to White Power, although the day was soured somewhat when M.E. Cricket and M.E. Surfing had to go to arbitration fighting over the use of White Caps. Perhaps the best news of the day came from M.E. Swimming who issued a press release decreeing none of their team would ever do a haka again as they have finally learnt it is not the domain of skinny white fellas.

However, M.E. Rugby have a problem. Chief Orc Steve Tew admitted he did not have a solution to the predicament, and in a desperate bid to gain column inches suggested the All Blacks (new name required people) would be derided if they played so negatively to gain a result. He was sent packing to join Saruman in the tower at Orthanc. As he was dragged off Tew shouted out that the Orcs had beaten Gimli 42-9 but was told nobody cares. 

Sir Peter Jackson disagreed with M.E. journos suggesting that the Azzurri would be favourites for Oscars from their on-field antics. “To win an Oscar requires a certain quality” he suggested. “The clutching of chins from supposed elbows and De Rossi’s dive would not cut muster in a B Grade porn movie.” Fellow M.E. legend Jake the Muss cast his critical eye over the performance of the Guatemalan with the whistle and suggested the over-acting referee performance would not be out of place on Shortland Street.

M.E. Prime Minister John Key, who watched the action from the safety of high ground, announced a day of feasting for all citizens when the halflings return to the shire. He cautioned that “only one battle was won, not the war” but decided no matter what the result of the remainder of the quest, this monumental day in M.E. history will be appropriately celebrated.